Floggin’ the Cutie
“Influencers” are the new big thing. Whether you blog, or Instagram or whatever flavor of the far too many social platforms you prefer, becoming an influencer is the goal. I have nothing against getting paid to post. Getting paid to write remains my goal, albeit more like a day dream of a city on the hill I am running towards, sweat dripping from my body like a saltwater river (I have a glandular problem regarding sweat – it’s really kind of disgusting) but can never seem to reach.
Being an influencer isn’t by definition totally shmucky. For instance, if you blog about fashion and highlight that cute bag from Cafune or Cayunas, that’s free advertising baby. I’m all for a writer getting their something something. But when influencers don’t say they are getting paid to flog a product in their review that smacks of shmucky, and deceit. However, influencing the sales of a brand without letting your suckers (er, readers) know what you’re doing is a perfect match for the modern internet, which is often a sea of bullshit masquerading as content.
That said, I did come upon a wonderful phenomenon recently – flogging the cutie. This has nothing to do with masturbation, that’s flogged enough. I’m talking about turning your pet into a money maker. The brilliance of it is inspiring, and of course shows how insipid our culture is.
Here’s the video of my pet sleeping and snore-farting! So cute!
I prefer cats doing things with a snarky look, like the one where the cat pushes the coffee cup off the counter with a deeply satisfied expression while the owner says “Stop it cutie-kins!” and then squeals with delight because she knows the video is fucking awesome. And that video was fucking awesome each of the three times I watched it. Whatever the companion animal cutie, flogging it makes perfect sense. We feed and tend to these cuddly parasites so the least they could do is pay some of the freight.
When I heard that the most popular pet posts raked in 10-15 thousand dollars per vine or gram or tweet, my mind reeled (the social platforms should just merge and become Institwitface and put us out of our misery). First, no farting Chihuahua video should earn over ten thousand per fart, that’s just sick. Second, how can pictures of animals you wouldn’t want to maintain in your home be so appealing that you’d wait outside of a person’s apartment hoping to see the celebrity Chihuahua-Dachshund mix take a shit on the sidewalk? I kid you not, some people do.
I have no internet savvy, plus my cat is too old for active cuteness so I could not pull this off. But it does bring to mind some pets that one would think are too niche or too weird for this kind of monetary return. Would anyone want to see a hamster running on the wheel? How about a snake coiling around its human host? Remember that the snake just wants warmth and food, not love, because it’s a snake. How about watching a nice little goldfish – call him Alfred – swimming in the bowl? There is probably a niche for each of these examples of flogging the cutie. Still, if you want to make real coin I’d stick with three gold mines of cutie: First; cats with flair – we cat lovers love that flair, especially with a little kitty sarcasm or brutality thrown in; Second, small dogs because even cat lovers think small dogs are cute; Third, parrots. Why parrots? Humans love to chatter on about nonsense like flogging the cutie and a parrot saying anything is kind of cute. Think of a green and yellow bird saying “dishrag” – think about it – you smiled internally.
My advice, if you have the companion cutie, flog it.